Disclaimer: This blog is not for the overly squeamish. Enter at your own risk.
Oh, it’s not that bad….. really. I’ve tried to be delicate.
There are two good things about having a Colonoscopy.
- A total detox of your digestive system
- Pethedine
- Pethedine
Oops. Heh.
Ever since my late teens, I’ve had to have a Colonoscopy every 2-5 years. It’s all to do with the fact my father had bowel cancer twice – first time in his 20’s.
I’m a bit of an old-hand at the old Colonoscopy procedure, or at least I ought to be. The fact is, it’s a horrible thing to go through, and it never, ever gets easier. The actual procedure itself is fine – it’s the preparation that’s the problem. It takes days and involves prolonged starvation and extreme diarrhoea. It’s just no fun for anyone.
If you’re not familiar with the procedure, in basic terms, it involves a doctor poking a 4ft tube with a camera attached to it, up your arse and all the way into your large intestine to look for polyps and cancerous growths.
You even get to watch your innards on colour tv, if the pethedine doesn’t knock you out (which it never does, me).
So, follow along, if you’re up to it. It’s quite entertaining. You could even look at it as preparation – for it is most likely that you too will have to go through this charming procedure one of these days. Although, if you don’t have a family history like mine, it probably won’t be until you’re over 50… (lucky bastards)
SUNDAY
4.30pm – Attend screening of Spiderman 3 at local cinema and spend duration of film gorging self with medium sized box of popcorn.
8.00pm – Read instruction sheet for colonoscopy preparation and realise that popcorn is included on the list of ’NO’ foods for 3 days before procedure. It is now 3 days before procedure. Oops.
List of contraband foods: bran or muesli, vegetables, fruit, seeds, wholemeal bread, red meat.
List of allowed foods: strained fruit juice, rice bubbles, cornflakes, eggs, rice, pasta, chicken, fish, clear soups, white bread, crackers, low-fat dairy products.
MONDAY
Work.
Follow limited diet as instructed.
6.00pm – Visit local shops to purchase items, i.e. day-before-procedure preparatory solution and assorted allowed items for Tuesday’s liquid fast. Get a bit carried away.
List of purchases:
1 litre of Guava Nectar
2 litres of pulp free Orange Juice
2 litres of Apple & Mango Juice
1.25 litres of sparkling mineral water
2 litres of Mountain Dew
500ml of Nippy’s Lemon Juice
Packet of mango flavoured jelly crystals
Large bag of Barley Sugar sweets
1 sachet of Colonlytely (to make one litre of solution)
8.00pm – Consume final meal before procedure on Wednesday. Feel cheated that bowl of pasta isn’t nearly big enough to sustain hungry girl for 40+ hours. Curse husband silently. It’s my last supper, dammit!
TUESDAY
Preparatory instructions: Take a clear fluids diet only all day. This allows you to take black coffee and tea, clear soups, strained fruit juices, clear jelly (not red), soft drinks (eg lemonade) and cordial. Barley sugar sweets may be taken.
Sleep badly, woken often by bad dreams and demanding felines.
8.23am – Jolted out of fitful doze by telephone. Hospital calls to demand to know the whereabouts of Patient Admission Form and Waiver. Agree to fax relevant papers from work. Informed that given time for procedure is 8.15am tomorrow. Heart sinks. Too early. Know from experience there will be at least a 2-3 hour wait.
Look forward to another shitty night’s sleep.
8.50am – Mix up sachet of Colonlytely prep solution with 1 litre of water. Recoil at familiar, synthetic lemon stench. Refrigerate.
9.00am – Leave for work without breakfast as instructed [sob]. Stop on the way for further provisions. Realise there is no such thing as a clear soup.
List of further purchases:
Packet of passionfruit flavoured jelly crystals
Packet of lemon flavoured jelly crystals
1 box of Pico Prep
9.30am – Arrive at work and regale workmates with tales of hunger and paltry list of permissable substances. Take great pleasure in explicitly explaining upcoming procedure to young co-worker and in return, receive satisfying look of abject horror.
Periodically descend staircase and cross shop floor to attempt to fax relevant papers to hospital.
10.30am – Halfway through litre bottle of guava nectar, come to abrupt realisation that fruit juice can never take the place of solid food. Shit. Another 30 hours to go.
11.30am – Feel lightheaded, tired and a bit cranky. Stomach and headache. Wish that the taste of coffee didn’t induce gag reflex. Hum. What else can I have? Barley sugars. Brilliant. Even more brilliant had they not been left at home.
12noon - Wonder if I can take a camera into surgery during the procedure. Cheered by thought of grossing out blog readers with colour photos of large intestine.
1.00pm - Go home. Drink copious amounts of fruit juice and water.
2.00pm – Feel very cranky due to lack of sustenance and jealous of cats stuffing their faces with biscuits. Feel a bit better after stomping and huffing around the house for a few minutes. Drink more.
2.30pm – Call hospital and manually feed (did somebody say feed??) surgery receptionist all personal information over phone due to stupid work fax machine not working. Drink more.
3.00pm – Review contents of refrigerator. Come to realisation that I’ve bought at least 10 times more fruit juice and jelly than could possibly be consumed in a week, let alone a day and a half. Oh, well. Drink more.
3.30pm – Call father-in-law to organise post-procedure pick up of doped out, anally probed daughter-in-law.
4.30pm – Feel distinctly over-hydrated. Eat mango jelly which turns to liquid in mouth. Continue to resemble a walking water-balloon.
It is now 20 hours since last ingestion of solid food. Half way there. It is apparent I am not well suited to fasting.
Evening Preparation: At about 5.00pm, drink the Colonlytely solution over a 1 hour period. At 7.00pm dilute the contents of one of the Picoprep sachets in a warm glass of water and leave to cool for 20 mins before drinking. Follow then with a further 2 full glasses of water and then continue drinking water at a rate of 1 glass per hour until you go to bed. During the course of the evening you will have watery diarrhoea.
HURRAH!
5.00pm – Begin drinking Colonlytely solution. Feel an overwhelming sense of dread. Curse father for having had bowel cancer at such a young age. Curse other things, including door handle, office chair and cat. Wait for inevitable explosion.
6.30pm – Stomach cramps and the “cleansing” has begun. “Explosive” is one word to describe it. As is “urgent”.
6.34pm – You do not want to know what just happened.
6.45pm – Ohhhhh…. [sob] At least now I feel so nauseous that I’m not hungry…..
7.10pm - Mix Picoprep powder with water and note immediate resemblence to watered-down milk. Also reminiscent of a medicine I once regurgitated. I have a headache.
9.00pm – 
I have the shakes, am sick with hunger and a weird and unpleasant combination of waterlogged and grossly dehydrated. Kill me now. One almost hopes that they find something, so it will all be worth it.
12midnight – Crawl to bed filled with hope there are no nasty accidents in the night.
WEDNESDAY (D-DAY)
Morning of Procedure Preparation: at least 2 hours before your appointment time, dilute the contents of the second Picoprep sachet in a glass of water and drink it. Follow this immediately with a further 2 full glasses of water. Note: this may mean you have to set an early alarm clock if you have an early appointment time at the hospital.
6.00am – Rise to resume 3 minute intervalled dashes in general direction of the lavatory. Drink second sachet of Pricoprep in water, followed by 2 more glasses of water. Feel waterlogged all over again. Am beyond hunger by now. Feeling akin to nasty stomach flu.
8.15am – Report to hospital reception and stake out all patient toilets in vicinity. Sit in waiting room nursing headache and listen to deaf woman “talk” at the top of her voice, whilst using sign language.
9.00am – Directed by nurse to remove all clothing, including underwear. Don attractive, gaping robe, dressing gown and paper booties. Sit. Wait. Read. Try not to think about food.
As far as I could get with the camera….
9.30am – Shown to hospital bed. Ob’s taken. All is well. Have slightly tripped out feeling due to combination of lack of food, bright lights and soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar echoing throughout the ward.
10.00am – Place bets with anaesthatist on whether he is able to knock me out for the procedure.
10.15am – Anaethsatist wins bet.
10.45am – Wake after procedure, hooked up to machines and wearing oxygen mask. Feel slightly disappointed at not seeing innards on television. Thinks to self to ask to stay awake for next procedure.
11.00am – Feel wide awake (although slightly drunk from Pethedine) and insist I am ready to eat and go home. Doctor C. gives all clear. Feast on chicken sandwiches, yoghurt and fruit juice (not more fruit juice!).
11.30am – Father-in-law arrives to pick up doped out, anally probed daughter-in-law.
…. and now I’m home. Still a bit woozy from the Pethedine, but you’ll hear no complaints from me about that.
The good news is, that I don’t have to have another Colonoscopy for a whole five years. I think I’ll go back to Doctor C. again. He wasn’t pervy like the last one.
Now, where’s my bloody lunch! I’ve got 40 hours worth of eating to make up….
Song Of The Day – Jesus Christ Superstar (OST) – Superstar
