Vanessa is…

 

The utterly glorious Mister Peace tagged me inadvertantly with his “google images” meme.

 

What is this, you ask?

 

Here are the rules:

1) Go to www.Google.com

2) Click on Google images

3) Type in your name and search

4) Repost (w/ a link) the picture of the oddest, craziest, strangest, coolest, oldest, etc. person that shares your name. Post multiples if you find a few you like. (See Below)

5) Pass it on to at least 5 other people.

 

As is my way, I don’t do tags by halves. I find them oddly inspiring. Probably because it’s a chance to wax lyrical about myself to my heart’s content.

So, here we have it.

I’ve always liked my name. Nay, loved my name. Not many people say that about their own name… but I suppose I can credit my parents for having immaculate taste. Mind you, I was almost called Miranda, which is also a lovely name, but my grandmother protested loudly, and I became Vanessa.

I have been told most often throughout my life, is that my name means, “butterfly”.

So, it’s quite understandable that for a long time, I believed that I was some kind of enigmatic butterfly, until I discovered that the name Vanessa, is just the name for a genus of butterly, like these:

I am all of these butterflys, and if that means that my name “means” butterfly, how could I complain? Butterflys are the epitome of delicacy and beauty…

Of course, that also makes me pupa and caterpillar, which strangely thrills me just as much, if not more…

I delved further.

 

Apparently, I am also shoes, which would please me no end if I had a shoe fetish, but then again maybe not, because you’ve got to admit, they’re not very spectaclar shoes…

 

It turns out, I am also a doll. A hot doll, no less. I am ever so pleased.

 

And some beautiful blooms. I can’t think of prettier flowers to carry my name….

 

 

This painting is called “Vanessa”, by Guy Morand. Does this make me his muse by default…?

 

I am also fluffy white cats. Only. No other colour need apply. Apparently.

 

Hey, I’m a computerised chess game! Which is pretty cool. I haven’t played chess since before my grandfather died when I was 9. Nobody has agreed to played with me since. I can’t help but wonder if there is a reason for that…?

 

Girlfriend! I’m a drag queen. Fabulous, darling! (you know it had to be a big photo with that outfit…)

 

And, as is the contrary nature of my being, I am also a strange piece of machinery related to the rotary process, whatever that is….

 

 

A somewhat groovy chair? It works for me. I do work with furniture, after all…

 

I am also Johnny Depp’s gorgeous, French pseudo ex-popstar girlfriend/partner/wife. Go, me!

 

And facial cleanser. I wonder if I could snag an endorsement?

 

 

Ships. Can you believe that all these ships are called “Vanessa”? Me neither. I like it. I love ships. And boats. Water is my element, all over. I dig it.

 

 

 

This one pleases me more than most. I love aeroplanes. A biplane called “Vanessa”. How many people can boast that? I wonder who inspired it?

 

 

But, I think above all, I will always remain a pygmy goat.

 

What is in your name?

 

(Don’t) Follow the rules, people…

 

Tag yourself.

 

 

 

Song of the Day – Turin Brakes – Forever

 

 

 

Hooray for Holidays!

I’ve been a little bit busy lately.

Busy planning a holiday.

Where, you ask?

This might give you a hint:

I’m going to New Zealand! Woohoo!

You know, Lord of the Rings country, and all that…

All expenses paid, no less. My mother has just emerged from a 3 year relationship and one of her funny little “end-of-the relationship” quirks, is that she likes to go on holiday…. and I reap all the benefits! Muahahaha!

The flights are free, thanks to the QANTAS Frequent Flyer programme, and all my accomodation and car hire is paid for. For 9 days. Not bad, huh?

We’re doing a self-drive trip around the South Island, which is mostly Alpine landscape and made up of lovely things like this:

Fox Glacier

The only downside (possibly apart from spending 9 days in planes and cars with my mother, which is fraught with potential disaster in itself), is that we have to catch no less than SEVEN connecting flights in total, there and back. Crikey Moses.

I think it will be worth it.

All the planning and itinerary is up to me, as I’m quite good at that kind of thing, so I’ve been scouring the intertubes and holiday brochures for ideas. I think I’ve got it sorted. I’m talking scenic flights, sailing down the fjord (otherwise known as Milford Sound) and getting up close and personal with glaciers. Not to mention the jetboats…

Less the flying time, we’ll have 6 nights to cover the South Island. I think we can just about do it.

Being a bit of a photography nut, I’m so excited about the potential for lovely images, I can’t even tell you.

So, there will be a lot of this:

And possibly not so much of this:

Or, this…

Meaning, obviously, that I won’t be flinging myself across ravines. Although if anyone is kind enough to provide me with a lovely photo opporunity, I’ll be ever so grateful.

We’re flying out on October 16. I can’t wait.

Get ready for copious numbers of highly self indulgent, yet beautiful photographs.

In the words of the immortal Big Kev, “I’m excited!!”

********************************

Finally, as per usual, here is a list of my successful and glorious music downloads in the past couple of weeks. Yay! :

Siouxsie and the Banshees – Venus in Furs
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Peek-A-Boo
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Spellbound
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Arabian Nights
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Christine
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Dear Prudence
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Cities in Dust
The Streets – Let’s Push Things Forward
Junior Marvin & Lee Scratch Perry – Police and Thieves
Willy Mason – Oxygen
Townes Van Zandt – Dead Flowers
Antony and the Johnsons – The Atrocities
Antony and the Johnsons – Man is the Baby
Graham Coxon – Standing On My Own Again
Graham Coxon – You & I
Paul Weller & Graham Coxon – This Old Town
Amanda Ghost – Bad Girl
Amanda Ghost – Idol
Sufjan Stevens – The Seer’s Tower
Sufjan Stevens – The Dress Looks Nice On You
Sufjan Stevens – To Be Alone with You
Sufjan Stevens – Super WomanSufjan Stevens – Size Too Small
Sufjan Stevens – Jacksonville
Sufjan Stevens – John Wayne Gacy Jr
Sufjan Stevens – For the Widows in Paradise
Sufjan Stevens – The World’s Columbian Exposition Part II
Sufjan Stevens – Chicago
Sufjan Stevens – Casimir Pulaski Day
Sufjan Stevens – A Good Man is Hard to Find
Stereolab – Ping Pong
Jackson Browne – You Love the Thunder
Joseph Arthur – Honey and the Moon
Syd Barrett – Baby Lemonade
Tim Buckley – Once I Was
Tim Buckley – Dolphins
Art Brut – Emily Kane
Art Brut – Moving to LA
Art Brut – Formed A Band
The Breeders – Safari
Mogwai – Stanley Kubrick
The (English) Beat – Mirror in the Bathroom
Battles – Atlas
The Go-Betweens – Lee Remick
The Klaxons – It’s Not Over Yet
My Bloody Valentine – Off Your Face
Silversun Pickups – Lazy Eye
The Church – Reptile
The Cult – American Horse
The Libertines – Time For Heroes
Bob Marley – Hammer
Sia – Breathe Me
Mazzy Star – Blue Light
Alice In Chains – Man in the Box
Black Flag – Rise Above
Nine Inch Nails – Wish
Rammstein – Das Modell
Smashing Pumpkins – Tarantula
The Good, The Bad & The Queen – Kingdom of Doom
Chemical Brothers (ft. Ali Love) – Do It Again
Chemical Brothers – Let Forever Be
Butthole Surfers – Who Was In My Room Last Night?
Butthole Surfers – Avalanche
Butthole Surfers – Whatever
Butthole Surfers – Hurdy Gurdy Man
Butthole Surfers – Pepper
Dappled Cities Fly – Make You Happy
Dappled Cities Fly – Cream
Dappled Cities Fly – Fire Fire Fire
Dappled Cities Fly – Vision Bell
Neil Young – Dead Man
Sigur Ros – Svefn-g-Englar
Emilie Simon – Dame de Lotus
The Avalanches – Frontier Psychiatrist
The Avalanches – Since I Left You
Faker – Hurricane
Black Sabbath – Spiral Architect
Queens of the Stoneage – Sick, Sick, Sick

Ok, happy end.

Song of the Day – E.L.O – The Diary of Horace Wimp

A Botanic Sojourn…

 

There is a lovely place near Perth called Araluen Botanic Park

I’ve been told that I’ve been there numerous times since 1979, but I don’t really recall… I only see flashes of memory.

The last time I really remember being there, was at my aunty’s wedding. I was the flower girl. I loved that day. I kept the dress for the longest time and even wore it as an odd babydoll kind of top when I was younger, until it went astray.

I wish I hadn’t lost that frock.

I was a pretty flower girl…

Last weekend, I went back to Araluen (which means “singing waters” in Aboriginal) for the first time in decades. Every winter they have a mass tulip planting. It was advertised that “Springtime at Araluen” had started, but it turns out we were a bit early. Not surprising as it is still winter, and how….

The tulips were not quite ready, but I still managed to take a few nice shots. It was raining steadily the whole afternoon, but it didn’t matter. It’s such a lovely place. To add to the atmosphere, a male tenor was standing at the base of the valley singing beautiful music which resonated all over. It really was so special. Quite surreal.

 

This is is the oldest, largest (1929) pergola of its kind in the world. No shelter from the rain, but it’s very pretty…

 

We really were just a couple of weeks too early. Too much budding and not enough blooms…

 

So much for fucking global warming (is it just me who is suspicious of the hype??). On the dryest continent, in the midst of drought, the ducks are loving it. We have well exceeded our average rainfall now……………………..yeah, yeah I know. The wheatbelt… but……….

 

There were some very pretty blooms…

 

… and interesting bush views. In Australia, untouched native foliage is called “the bush”, as in “look at that log up there in the bush”…

 

The tulips were trying…

 

There were interesting rock bits…

 

… and waterfally bits….

 

… and random chairs made out of stumps, which would have been welcome if not for the rain…

 

Araluen as it is, was constructed by the Y.A.L. (Young Australia League) in 1929 and as part of the design, they built the “Grove of the Unforgotten” to commemorate the 88 members of the Y.A.L., who died in WWI. It has been restored. This is it. The waterfall flows down into a stone memorial and flower garden.

 

Dense ivy is lovely…

 

And the creeks flow freely. The water tastes a bit like fertiliser, but it still tastes fresher than tap water…

 

Trees make me happy.

 

There are more photos here

 

Feedback most appreciated.  I love you.

 

 

 

Song Of The Day – PJ Harvey – Good Fortune

Asking for Five is Relative…

I am overcome with a distinct lack of creativity this evening, coupled with a waxing and waning current of melancholia.

I was going to post another edition of Vinyl Beauties, but I just can’t be arsed.

So, in light of my self indulgent fancy, I’m posting the “5 Things” meme, that Max prompted the other day.

Here goes:

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Drinking, dancing and babysitting working with hanging around with a string of smelly rock stars and dodgy media types.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Preparing to move house and thinking about divorce. Other than that, pretty much what I’m doing now.

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To.

Only five? There must be thousands. I’ll take a slightly different tack on this one and post the actual songs. Five out of my canon of favourites:

(I don’t expect you to watch any of these, but you might be pleasantly suprised if you do… )

1. Datarock – Computer Camp Love

Thanks to modobs for posting the video (which I hadn’t seen until now) on her blog and putting this song forefront in my feeble mind today. I still think the song works better without the visual, but maybe that’s just me…

Those crazy Norweigans. Scandinavian’s are nuts, I tell you. I mean that in the nicest possible way…

2. David Bowie – Queen Bitch

An old favourite. Love the boots, or die. The show this video is lifted from, was recorded in the year I was born and not seen or released for public consumption until a couple of years ago. It’s never too late. Such a great song. It’s not hard to see how coked Bowie is at the end…

3. The Bureau – Only For Sheep

I just love this song. An early ’80’s lost classic.

4. Turin Brakes – Pain Killer (Summer Rain)

The first song I ever heard from my favourite band of all time. These boys saved my life and they know it. Lucky me. Maybe I’ll tell you about it some time. I can not tell you how much I love Turin Brakes…. and this song make me fuzzy long time.

Isn’t Olly a honey?

5. Rolf Harris – The Court of King Caractacus

I know there are other people out there who can sing this song from start to end, but I’m the only person I know who can. Everybody loves Rolf. Why else would anyone take the time to make a video like this? And yes, that is Rolf…(who is originally from Perth)

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire.

1. Use my wealth and might to inform not only the wider public, but also the mostly clueless medical fraternity of the dangers of psychotropic medication, by launching the mother of all lawsuits against the every pharmaceutical company responsible for the manufacture and marketing of such dangerous, brain altering chemicals. It wouldn’t give me back the last five years of my life, but it might save some others.

2. TRAVEL. Who wouldn’t? I would base myself in London, retread Europe and skip across the Atlantic to take a leisurely stroll around the US to get smashed with my online friends. Morocco also looks nice.

3. Buy a lifetime supply of incandescent light globes.

4. Buy a fucking house. The median house price in Perth has risen to $500,000 in the last year. Why do I live here again? It’s only the most isolated capital city on the planet. How is that attractive?

5. Sponsor a gazillion children in third world countries. And cats.

Five Bad Habits

1. Smoking when I drink. [takes a satisfying drag on her Dunhill Blue]

2. Reading paragraphs backwards in the vain belief that I might actually understand what I’m reading.

3. Procrastinating. I’ll elaborate on that later.

4. Self destruction. Make of that what you will.

5. Drunk commenting… or blogging. Ahem.

Five Things You Like To Do
(Choose your own order of preference.)

1. Fall asleep with a purring pussycat curled around my head on my pillow, with his chin on my temple and paw on my cheek. Zzzzzzz…..

2. Absorb information. Whether I can remember it later or not, is another matter.

3. Listen to music I’ve never heard before and find something new to love.

4. Swim naked.

5. Think about sex.

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again.

(I try to never say never, but if you insist…)

1. Flouro. Anything.

2. A g-string. That’s a “thong” for you American speaking people. “Thongs” to Aussies are what you may call “flip-flops”. Confused yet? The sensation of a permanent wedgie does nothing for me.

3. Clip-on earrings. They are of the devil.

4. Anything clothing or accessory-wise, that was fashionable in the ’80’s.

5. An earring in the cartilage of my ear. I am haunted by memories of such pain that even the slightest touch would make me scream. To this day, I thank Simon for getting me drunk with the sole purpose of ripping that evil barbarity out of my delicate little shell.

Five Favorite Toys

Well, some…

Firstly, we have Bungo. Bungo is a Womble, for the unitiated. He sits next to my monitor for a good reason. We understand each other…

Sorely neglected, but always in sight…

It cuts the cheese.

I have a thing for fibre optic lamps. I have two.

The lamp I bought at an antique shop a couple of years ago. The wall hanging, I found lining the bottom of a camphorwood chest in my father’s flat, after he died. My grandfather brought it back from Egypt in World War II. It was in perfect condition, thanks to its lengthy seclusion. I love it.

I could go on a bit more about toys, but that would be telling…

If you read this, consider yourself tagged. Unless you can’t be arsed. I’m completely in touch with that.  I’m going to go and hit myself in the head wth a blunt instrument.

 

Song Of The Day – Iggy Pop – (I’m) Bored

It’s All About the Hair

 

What you are about to see is a photo of my mother and I on my first day of school, aged 5.

A really quite embarrassing photo.

We lived in Sydney at the time and within a few months we would be moving to London.

My mother had the bright idea that having my hair cut in the most hideous, nerdy bowl cut possible, would somehow make me more scholarly.

How wrong she was.

It just made me look like a dag.

(Just for the record, she is completely unrepentant to this day…)

Note my facial expression of abject terror. I seriously look like I’m about to cry and I haven’t even left the house yet. Well, wouldn’t you if you had a haircut like that? Actually, I really don’t remember my first day being all that traumatic. I was a little trooper as a kid. I swear. Not the sook you see before you. No sirree.

Well, ok. I might have cried. A bit.

I miss that case. How I loved my Globite schoolcase. It made me feel super and terribly important.

It’s funny, you know. I have a lot of photos of me as a kid and in most of them I look as cute as a button – while in others I look like I got hit with the ugly stick.

I know what that is…

It’s all about the hair!

Allow me to illustrate.

Here’s another photo of me taken a couple of months down the track. Kudos to my mother for giving up on the hairstyle:

See?

The glasses are cute. Sh’up.

You can kinda tell by the pose that every time I wore that jumpsuit (I had a brown one too – nice) , I used to strut around thinking I was hot stuff.

And with my new and improved hairstyle, I was a confident, outgoing-bordering-on-precocious, little Miss.

Here are a couple more examples…

Bad hair = ugly, bad tempered child:

 

Good hair = happy little cutie:

You see where I’m coming from?

 

I suspect there might be something vaguely profound in that (or completely superficial, for that matter), but I’m buggered if I know what it is…

If you come up with anything, let me know…

 

 

Song Of The Day – Pavement – Cut Your Hair

 

The Neverending Lunch

 

 

I am a very, very big fan of long, boozy lunches. There is not much I enjoy more than to while away a sunny afternoon, enjoying great conversation, scrumptious food and a bottle of wine (or two).

I got lucky last weekend.

 

As is my wont, we were running late. Did I ever tell you I have an allergy to deadlines? Now you know.

I do however, multitask fairly well. This is me giving directions, fiddling with the radio and taking a photograph of myself at the same time. Just as well I wasn’t driving.

 

Where were we going? Oh, yay! Wine tasting! A nice little boutique winery in the Swan Valley called Carilley Estate. Because we didn’t get there until after 2pm and the kitchen closed at 3, we only tasted the whites. I wasn’t overly impressed. My palette is extremely tired of this trend towards sweet, heavily fruit driven wines. They just don’t agree with me. Gimme oak, baby…

We ended up choosing a Dry Chenin Blanc. I’ve never heard of a Dry Chenin Blanc before, but it was a whole lot more palettable to me than a normal Chenin Blanc, and I wasn’t really fussed that it didn’t go with steak. A red would have been far too heavy for lunch. I was up for some serious quaffing…

 

The steak was out of this world. I swear it was the best steak I’ve ever eaten. It was huge, and cooked medium rare, to perfection. Melt. In. Your. Mouth.

Yum.

 

Then there was the view…

 

A couple of glasses of wine, and Vanessa starts pointing the camera at herself again….

 

A few more glasses of wine and she’s pointing the lens at sheep.

Because she is convinced that sheep in the Swan Valley are way prettier than any other sheep.

Or something like that.

 

Of course, on the way home there just HAD to be a stop at the pub…

 

And a uh, few of these….

 

Then, upon arriving home at around 11pm, Vanessa changes into her daggy fleecy tracksuit and takes yet more photos of herself wearing 3 layers of clothing. She is under the blurry misconception that her hair looks like it did when she left the house 10 hours previously and that she doesn’t look at all tired and emotional. Not at all. HOT, baby, hot.

If you look closely enough, you can see the outline of her beer goggles…

 

Geez, I’m a brave girl, posting that. Hah!

 

 

 

Song Of The Day – Deerhoof – Wrong Time Capsule

Lunch With A Lama

I had lunch with the Dalai Lama today.

Well, me and around 500 other people, but who’s quibbling?

His Holiness was in Perth today, passing on his words of wisdom to thousands of followers. There were two free events and a Buisness Leader’s Luncheon. I was at the Luncheon, corporate high-flyer that I am (not).

Tickets were $750 per head.

[pause]

I did not pay $750 for my ticket. My mother is a fan, and she wanted someone to go with. Who was I to say no?

So, as is the wont of my irrepressible, rebellious spirit, I descended upon the venue, loaded with contraband. Ok, not exactly loaded, but “No Cameras Allowed” was not going to stop me trying to get a snap or two. What would be the point of going to such an event if I couldn’t post a photo blog? Hah! I also smuggled in my latest gadget (I’m a bit of a gadget fiend), my Digital Voice Recorder. I’m not sure if that was on the banned-items list or not; I didn’t stop to check…

We were seated at a table (at the back of the room, bugger it), with eight strangers. It was a bit like being on the single’s table at a wedding. Slightly awkward, with some stilted conversation and everyone checking everyone else out. Speaking of checking people out, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many handsome men in suits all in the one place. Humm…

Oh, what were we there for? Ah, yes. Spiritual matters. Right. Moving right along…

There was grass on our table. It wasn’t even in a container. I wanted to eat it.

I couldn’t resist posting a picture of my new toy, and yes I did record his entire message. Oh, and the placemat. I dug the placemat. The whole event was organised by the Australia-Israel Chamber of Commerce. I’m stilll looking for the connection…

Eating chicken off the Dalai Lama’s face. Brilliant. I thought it was interesting that there was no sign of vegetarian cuisine on the menu. There was only one main course to choose from, and that was chicken. It was pretty good, except half of the room didn’t get to finish their meals because His Holiness arrived on the premises and from that moment it was knives and forks down. If that money hadn’t been going to a good cause, I’d have been pretty cheesed off…

The Lama (I can’t help calling him that…) sat, and talked. And talked. And talked. For over 80 minutes without a break. I feel like I should be ashamed to tell you I fell asleep, but I did nod off. More than once. That was in between looking at his face on the giant screens and feeling an almost uncontrollable urge to run up to one of them and draw a huge pair of pointy ears on him. The man could actually be Yoda. I kid you not.

Do I sound awfully disrespectful? Probably, but it’s not intentional. I have an enormous respect for the man. I am quite in awe of his life story. He is a wonderful ambassador for peace and has inspired millions to lead a more spiritual life. I just found what he was saying to be so very familiar and extremely simplistic. None of it was anything that Jesus didn’t say in the Gospels, but I had to remind myself that he was preaching to a spiritually challenged audience to which these concepts of “kindness”, “compassion” and “forgiveness” meant something different… I thought it was very interesting that in the “question and answer” session after his talk, a man stood up and asked how to ingraine these qualities in himself, because he understood the concepts, but was finding it difficult to keep up the momentum, so to speak. The Dalai Lama didn’t really have a coherent answer.

It’s at this point that I should shut up, because I don’t want to turn this into an “anti” or “pro” any religion rant and I don’t want to offend anyone. It’s also possible it’s too late for that, heh. I’m not anti-Buddhism in any way, I just found his speech, loaded with platitudes and lacking in substance. [shrug]. Although, I do think it’s great that these “Business Leaders” were being addressed, because if anyone needs that kind of message, no matter how simplistic, it is people in charge of other people…

Next! More photos….

There were thankyou’s and blessings and people were getting teary on stage…

Stupid slow shutter speed…

This is His Holiness on his way out, on his way to his next engagement. The hush in the room as he left was such that you could have heard a pin drop. After I took this photo, he passed so close to my table, I could have reached out and touched him. Sweet little Yoda man.

Then it was time for dessert. Yay for chocolate palm trees and pineapple pudding!

Despite any misgivings I’ve given voice to, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I’m hugely thankful it came my way. Namaste.

Song Of The Day – Queens Of The Stoneage – Go With The Flow

Vibrator = Hysterically, No Hysteria…

 

I’ve had an awful week. It did get better and yes, I am going to talk about sex toys, but first I’m going to have a little whinge. So, nerr.

It was so very awful at the beginning of the week that the pose I adopted for the whole of Monday was somewhat reminiscent of Cameron in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, after he crashes the Ferarri; lying prone on the couch under a blanket with my eyes closed.

What was wrong? Oh, nothing I’d want to bore you with. Things were either going wrong, had gone wrong or were (in my mind) about to go wrong. You know how it is.

Interpersonal strife does my head in.

I also thought my cat had cancer. On Sunday night I discovered a huge lump that appeared to be growing out of his ribcage. I was (internally) quite beside myself. I love my cat. On Monday I took him to the vet:

“Who do we have here?”

“This is Bilbo”

“Hello Bilbo. My, aren’t you a big boy? What seems to be wrong with Bilbo?”

“He has a big lump on his chest. It’s really big. It’s internal, not on his skin”

“Ok, let’s have a look, shall we? Where is it exactly?”

[points]

“Here.”

“That’s his sternum.”

“Oh.”

[barely concealed smirk from the vet type person]

“I can still take an x-ray if you like.”

“Um, no thanks. I’ll be going now…”

So, there we have the latest addition to Vanessa’s Omnibus of Embarrassing Moments. I mean, I might as well have gone to the doctor and said “I’ve got a lump growing out of my foot”, to be told, “That’s your toe.”

Well, on the bright side, my cat doesn’t have cancer. Big huggles to Firm, who has not been so fortunate this week…

Today, I feel pretty good. Everything is sorted and working well. Nobody is pissed off with anybody anymore and all is well in the world. Amazing how things can turn around.

So, as is my wont, I celebrated with a bit of retail therapy.

And what did I buy?

Vibrators.

Plural.

I thought it was time I updated my collection. One of my old favourites (a bullet for those playing at home – mine was the blue one) died recently and it was definitely time to find a replacement. I didn’t want to buy another bullet, because I had, at times, found it a little difficult to keep hold of, as many women who have owned one may understand. Something with a bit more of a handle was in order.

I usually buy such implements in person at a chain of adult stores here in the city. They are staffed by women and everytime I shop there, I end up having a blast with the girl behind the counter. Vibrators, boxes and batteries strewn everywhere, because they don’t at all mind removing items from their packaging and handing them to you for a test run. Hah! I’m not kidding, although the testing tends to be more on the fingers and tip of the nose than anywhere else. I also think it’s quite fun to observe the men skulking around the dvd section, obviously quite intimidated by two women talking quite openly about their preferences in regards to the inclusion of pearls in a vibrator, or which stimulator provides more bang for your buck…

This time, for something different, I decided to surf the range of Australian adult stores online. It took me an entire evening and I almost gave up at one point because the range was so enormous I just about ran out of steam, until I noticed at one particular site that there were…. free gifts! Woohoo! I ended up buying not one, but three vibrators… and the free gift makes four. Go me!

I guess the free gift kind of makes up for the fact that my package didn’t arrive today. Which means that I have to wait until after the weekend. Which kinda sucks because I was going to take an abstract photo of my purchases to show you. So much for Overnight Express. Oh, well. Use your imagination.

So, whilst we’re on the subject, I thought I’d give a quick dissertation on the history of the vibrator. I’m sure most of you know that they’ve been around for a very, very long time and were orignally used to treat what was known as “Hysteria” in women. That is, sexual arousal and PMS (often go hand in hand – at least they do for me).

I saw a great little Australian doco on SBS a couple of weeks ago called Turn Me On: The History Of The Vibrator. You can watch it for yourself by clicking on the link – it’s only 17 minutes long, (I’m really taken with the music they used for the soundtrack, heh), but if you can’t be bothered watching it, I’ll relay a few interesting facts I gleaned from this short, yet very informative documentary.

• The Hysterical Paroxysm – better known now as the orgasm, was the temporary cure, or preferred outcome of the disease called Hysteria, which was caused by sexual deprivation in passionate women. Nun’s seemed to suffer from it a lot… And they talk about blue balls! In 200AD, it was recommended by the ancient Greek physcian Galen that massaging the genitals be used as a treatment for Hysteria. This was a strictly medical condition.
• Doctors only, were qualified to “treat” Hysteria until the early 20th century. Women were not to treat themselves, as masturbation was considered evil. Sex was solely considered to be penile penetration of a woman, by a man.
• Vibration was considered very useful to create the “Paroxysm” by the medical profession. Before electricity, doctors used enormous steam powered vibrators, pedal driven models (terribly tiring for the poor fellow), then came the handle powered models, which looked disturbingly like a manual drill.

This is one version that is not so much like a drill…, but still what a chore!

Those poor doctors…

Here is an air compressed model from the late 19th century:

Interesting attachments, no? Already looking vaguely familiar, yet still horribly speculum-like…

• The invent of the electric vibrator was a boon for doctors. They were overjoyed. If a doctor had an electronic vibrator, they could have women in and out of the surgery within about 10 minutes, thereby quadrupling their profit margin. It was a revolving door situation with women you see, because they were never able to be cured, due to the nature of the “disease”…

Here is a 1906 version of an electric vibrator. It’s not the famous Veedee vibrator, which bore a frightening resemblance to a circular sander, but it still has that drill appeal:

A bit bloody scary looking if you ask me…. Anyone up for a good drilling? Or a Paroxysm, perhaps?

• Advertisements for all these apparatus appeared in women’s magazines all over the world. Needlework magazines, journals, you name it. Doctors were treating women for Hysteria up until the 1920’s. It wasn’t until the 1950’s that Hysteria was written out of medical journals as being an official “disease”.

Here is an early battery operated vibrator, circa 1950’s (minus the various attachments). Of course it was marketed to smooth out those pesky facial wrinkles…

• During the documentary, an interesting modern-day observation was added by a middle-aged male gynaecologist: “A woman who has never climaxed is extremely unlikely to climax with anything but a proper vibrator.” Personally, I wouldn’t know, but it seems likely in many cases. I found my way to it in my mid-teens…

Are you vibrated beyond all recognition now? I would be if I were you. If it took you .001% of the time to read it as it took me to put this together, I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to lay eyes on another vibrator….. Bloody fiddly blogs.

‘Ave a bonza weekend, my sweet things… and indulge yourself, if you will…

Thanks to Vibrator Museum for the photos…

Oh, and happy first day of winter to my fellow southern hemisphere dwellers…:)

 

Song Of The Day – Frank Zappa – Dynamo Hum

I Like Flags

Watching sport where there is more than one country involved gets me a bit excited… sometimes. Moreso when it’s something like the Olympics, or the World Cup (or Eurovison). I love watching sport. I love the excitement, the suspense, the booze and snacks…

I also love the flags.

(and the national anthems, but that’s another story)

Call me strange, but that kind of thing interests me. I like design. After watching yet another multinational tournament, I started to look up a few of the flags and found a whole new world (trying really hard not to burst into song here) of weird and wonderful flags of all nations.

I used to know all the European flags as a kid, after spending a good 6 months travelling around the continent. There isn’t much from Europe in this crop, but I did manage to come up with some of the more interesting, beautiful, ugly and slightly odd flags from around the world.

I’m possibly going to entertain nobody but myself here… but I’m kind of used to that, being an only child and all. If you want to play with me, you can come along. I don’t mind at all. I know I’m not the only geeky geek in the house…

I’ve narrowed it down to my Top 20.

It would be less, but I had enough trouble narrowing it down to this many.

So, without further ado…. and in no particular order….

BELIZE

Aaaand first off the mark we have Belize. That wreath reminds me of one of those optical illusions where if you stare at the dot in the middle the circle starts moving around. Check it out! It’s moving! Except there is no dot in the middle.
What we have here is ebony and ivory working in perfect harmony… yet a bit apart. Or are they side by side? It says something about the country. They work the land. That’s what they do. Anyone got a problem with that? I don’t think you’d wanna fight those guys.. You might end up with a shovel in the head.

This flag also looks a bit like a corporate logo for a Latin American Kibbutz (?) Huhhh.

BAHRAIN

Aww. It looks like the Burger King is having a bit of a nap. Other than that, I guess it’s quite striking, if a bit on the nautical side.

Sweet dreams, Burger King. When you wake, I’ll have a Whopper with cheese, add bacon. Thanks.

GEORGIA

I’d love to live under this flag. It brings to mind all things medieval and knights of old. How wonderful. I also think it says, “Don’t fuck with us!”…and having met a few Georgian rugby players, I wouldn’t be doing anything of the sort.

GIBRALTAR

Speaking of things medieval, come in Wizard of Id!

The King is a fink…!

How cool is that flag?

TUVALU

One of the world’s smallest independant nations. A group of nine islands, smack bang in the middle of the Pacific. About halfway between Hawaii and Australia. So, if you’re ever trying to swim across, remember you have a rest stop. Isn’t that nice to know? I’m sure they have coconuts.

This flag makes me giggle every time I look at it because it looks like a drunk Aussie has tried to draw the Australian flag. Either that, or it’s the end result of a game of ‘Pin The Stars On The Southern Cross’…

ANTARCTICA

Who knew that Antarctica has its own flag?

Part Rorsarch Ink Blot Test, part rhinoceros head…. you figure it out. The penguins must be pleased.

ANDORRA

I like this one because it has moo cows on it. Any flag with moo cows on it is alright with me.

“Hello, we are from Andorra and we have cows”. Fantastic.

SWAZILAND

Ah.. here we have Africa tapping into their rich visual heritage. It makes a strong statement about the country it’s representing. It’s a fine flag all ’round, but really I just like saying SWAZILAND.

Oh, and Richard E. Grant comes from Swaziland and Richard E. Grant rules. The end.

HONG KONG

This flag must always be flown in conjunction with the Chinese flag and it’s not a Hibiscus flower, it’s a Bauhinia Blakensis. Okay? Good. I’m glad we’ve got that sorted. It is rather pretty though, don’t you think?

Can someone email this to Waldeck’s Garden Centre? I think they need a new logo.

LEBANON

Ah, yes. I always think of lush, green trees when I think of Lebanon. Doesn’t everyone? An interesting, paradoxically peaceful symbol in a country that is effectively a bloody mess. I went there as a child and I don’t remember much except a lot of concrete and men with big guns.

I mean, I know the Cedar is native to Lebanon, but who are they trying to fool, exactly? Wishful thinking, perhaps…

GREENLAND

I think this flag is hot. I dig it for it’s retro 60’s/70’s interior design sensibilities. It would make some fabulous wallpaper, no?

NEPAL

Trust Nepal to think outside the square. The only national flag on the planet that isn’t a horizontal rectangle. They’re dancing to their own tune and it shows. Good on ya Nepal!

ISLE OF MAN

Freaky freak show!! Haha! I LOVE this flag. This is my favourite. It has a sense of humour. How good is that? I also love that it’s rich in Anglo/Celtic mythology. Rock on.

TURKMENISTAN

Just like the old Silk Road from Europe to Asia… or possibly a Persian carpet runner I once owned….

MYANMAR

The country formerly known as Burma. They have corn! Is it corn? Does Burma grow a lot of corn? If they don’t grow a lot of corn, you’d have to wonder why the hell they have a head of corn on their flag … What’s all that about?

LESOTHO

Hehe… The national emblem of Lesotho is a finger puppet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I like finger puppets. Finger puppets are fun.

Either that, or the ol’ Rorsach Ink Blot Test is back…

KIRIBATI

What’s this? Kiribati sinking beneath the waves of the Pacific due to the effects of Global Warming?

Oh, well. At least the bird looks like he’s having fun….

SAUDI ARABIA

Does anyone here speak Arabic? So accessible, as you would kind of expect, really.

Oh, oh… I just took a crash course in Arabic. It is apparently the Muslim creed, “There is no god but God; Muhammed is the Messenger of God”. Consider yourself told.

TIBET

I like this one. A little psychedelic, complete with oddly coloured sunbeams, swirls and spooky green monsters… and strangely asymmetrical with the unfinished yellow border…

Tibet’s flag is of course, due to its national state of limbo, unrecognised. I dunno, it looks pretty recognisable to me…

UGANDA

A German (?) cock in Africa, from the country that gave us Idi Amin. There has to be some connection there. 500,000 dead Ugandan’s can’t be wrong…

Interesting that the recent film didn’t depict him feeding homosexual’s their own penises…. Or that he was stark raving bonkers due to a nasty case of Syphillis? Or did it? I didn’t see it..

So, there you have it.

So, go on…. tell me your favourite.

Or… have I just completely out-geeked myself? Hah!

I don’t shop for clothes…

It was my birthday in February.

I know, you most likely missed it.

Don’t worry, there’s always next year….

Every year on my birthday, I am given a sizeable shopping voucher for my favourite shop in Perth, 78 Records.

78’s is brilliant. My cup of tea, entirely. It’s a huge place, for Perth. Two stories full of CD’s, DVD’s, books and all kinds of other paraphenalia, all waay left of centre.

When I was neck-high in the music industry, this was the coolest place to take bands for an instore appearance. I had a fine old time babysitting Weezer for a couple of days, and that equated to 78’s most successful instore appearance to date. 700+ people spilling out the door. It was a crazy day. They played an acoustic set. If I could be bothered uploading photos, I would….

Yay!

(it’s very nice to get gushing, congratulatory notes from head office…)

I become very, very excited at the prospect of going to 78’s and having money to spend…

 

Doesn’t look like much, I know. This is only a corner. I was a bit iffy about getting told off for taking pictures…

 

After shopping, it was time for some lunch…. (who thinks they’ll mind me giving them a plug? heh)

 

…and a beer… or several. Little Creatures make some of the best beers on the planet. They’re based here and I know people in other parts of the world, who are so very knowledgable about beer, and they will agree….

 

And, it’s on to the purchases. [blissful sigh]

 

I couldn’t believe my luck finding this. Love are one of my favourite bands of all time. They were around in the 60’s and are completely and totally underrated. Oh, Arthur Lee, for you are my hero….

 

He died late last year. It was a sad day.

 

Ol’ Hunter is a jolly good writer and I love me some boozy adventures….

 

Hehe. I also have a thing for B Z-grade schlock horror…..

 

Speaking of which….. A Russ Meyer favourite. Nude ladies, crazy psychedelia and murder. What more can you ask for?

 

(Not to be confused with Jacqueline Sussan’s ‘Valley of the Dolls’, parody aside…)

 

Brilliant film. It’s what I imagine life to be like on a submarine in wartime, and is highly regarded in terms of realism. Tommy, care to comment?

 

I haven’t seen this for nearly 20 years. For someone like me, who feels very at home blissing out in a mid-late ’60’s kind of way, it’s essential. Born at the wrong time…

 

I’ve never heard of this film. It’s Australian. It just tickled my fancy so much that I bought it simply by viewing the cover art. I’m thinking, poor man’s ‘Tommy’, minus the music… or maybe with some. It has impressive musical credentials, if you’re Australian. I haven’t watched it yet. It’s probably unwatchable, but I’m a curious cat…..

 

Silverchair are mostly regarded overseas as a teenage grunge band from Oz, made good. That was 15 years ago. They grew up. They started working with Van Dyke Parks (think, good Beach Boys) on their last album, Diorama. Stuff happened. It was good. Very good. Daniel Johns is a fucking genius. He grew up in a way nobody would have expected. I could go on about where that came from, but I’d bore you. What I will say is, there was a lot of physical pain associated with that, and all that goes with it. This is their new album.

 

I was sitting on a balcony. The day looked like this down below :

 

 

… and there was good food to be eaten. So very good…

 

 

 

Then there was more beer…. (and wine)

 

 

 

 

After that, things looked a little wobbly….

 

 

 

 

… but I managed to take a dodgy photo of myself in the lav…

 

 

 

[Photo of self removed due to overwhelming feelings of utter self disgust]

 

 

Ok, that’s it. The ending has changed now since I removed that photo and I have an horrendous hangover.

 

Ow.

 

 

Song Of The Day – Magic Dirt – Pace it

 

PS I’m tired of battling with the spacing on posts. If anyone wants to give me a tutorial, I’m up for it, but other than that…. deal with it. As I know you willl…

 

 

A break in the weather

 

I have hope.

The word on the street is that the drought could be almost over.

I’m talking about the drought that has held Australia hostage for the last 11 years.

Farmers are weeping.

 

Blame El Nino.

The city in which I live, has just recorded its highest April rainfall for 41 years.  One of those days was the wettest day in April, ever.

I know it makes me boring to talk about the weather, but it’s important, dammit.   It affects our daily lives.

I’m listening to the rain pelting down outside as I type, and it sounds like a beautiful symphony.

That’s the thing about droughts.

They break.

Eventually.

 

*************************

 

 

Today, this website made me cry a little.

And…

This concept made me snort dry ginger ale from my nose.

[hint: if you're looking for a torture device to compel me to bend to your will, buy me a front row ticket and force me to watch]

And….

This video made me throw up in my mouth a little:

But hey, it gives new meaning to the word “doggystyle”…

(you could also argue that it proves once and for all that masturbation is a perfectly natural thing…. but it still made me feel a bit sick. hah!)

 

Song Of The Day – Kaiser Chiefs – I Predict A Riot

 

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