Vanessa is…

 

The utterly glorious Mister Peace tagged me inadvertantly with his “google images” meme.

 

What is this, you ask?

 

Here are the rules:

1) Go to www.Google.com

2) Click on Google images

3) Type in your name and search

4) Repost (w/ a link) the picture of the oddest, craziest, strangest, coolest, oldest, etc. person that shares your name. Post multiples if you find a few you like. (See Below)

5) Pass it on to at least 5 other people.

 

As is my way, I don’t do tags by halves. I find them oddly inspiring. Probably because it’s a chance to wax lyrical about myself to my heart’s content.

So, here we have it.

I’ve always liked my name. Nay, loved my name. Not many people say that about their own name… but I suppose I can credit my parents for having immaculate taste. Mind you, I was almost called Miranda, which is also a lovely name, but my grandmother protested loudly, and I became Vanessa.

I have been told most often throughout my life, is that my name means, “butterfly”.

So, it’s quite understandable that for a long time, I believed that I was some kind of enigmatic butterfly, until I discovered that the name Vanessa, is just the name for a genus of butterly, like these:

I am all of these butterflys, and if that means that my name “means” butterfly, how could I complain? Butterflys are the epitome of delicacy and beauty…

Of course, that also makes me pupa and caterpillar, which strangely thrills me just as much, if not more…

I delved further.

 

Apparently, I am also shoes, which would please me no end if I had a shoe fetish, but then again maybe not, because you’ve got to admit, they’re not very spectaclar shoes…

 

It turns out, I am also a doll. A hot doll, no less. I am ever so pleased.

 

And some beautiful blooms. I can’t think of prettier flowers to carry my name….

 

 

This painting is called “Vanessa”, by Guy Morand. Does this make me his muse by default…?

 

I am also fluffy white cats. Only. No other colour need apply. Apparently.

 

Hey, I’m a computerised chess game! Which is pretty cool. I haven’t played chess since before my grandfather died when I was 9. Nobody has agreed to played with me since. I can’t help but wonder if there is a reason for that…?

 

Girlfriend! I’m a drag queen. Fabulous, darling! (you know it had to be a big photo with that outfit…)

 

And, as is the contrary nature of my being, I am also a strange piece of machinery related to the rotary process, whatever that is….

 

 

A somewhat groovy chair? It works for me. I do work with furniture, after all…

 

I am also Johnny Depp’s gorgeous, French pseudo ex-popstar girlfriend/partner/wife. Go, me!

 

And facial cleanser. I wonder if I could snag an endorsement?

 

 

Ships. Can you believe that all these ships are called “Vanessa”? Me neither. I like it. I love ships. And boats. Water is my element, all over. I dig it.

 

 

 

This one pleases me more than most. I love aeroplanes. A biplane called “Vanessa”. How many people can boast that? I wonder who inspired it?

 

 

But, I think above all, I will always remain a pygmy goat.

 

What is in your name?

 

(Don’t) Follow the rules, people…

 

Tag yourself.

 

 

 

Song of the Day – Turin Brakes – Forever

 

 

 

Those Crazy Scandinavians…

I wasn’t going to post another blog until tomorrow night, but I just came across this little gem and if I don’t share it with you right this minute, I couldn’t live with myself for depriving you of such a stellar slice of cheese.

It’s a Finnish cover of The Village People’s “YMCA”, by ’70s rokk ikkons Gregorious. Remember them?

No, me neither, but I hear they were HUGE in Finland.

I don’t care what anyone says, any video featuring scoop shorts, tube socks and an electric organ has to be good.

This video makes me happy.

Just watch. You won’t regret it:

And if you can’t get enough of those wonderful Finns and their cutting-edge choreography and fashion sense, CLICK HERE.

I am booking a holiday to Finland tomorrow. Anyone care to join me?

Ok, I’m taking my poor, sleep deprived self off to bed. I will endeavour to be back tomorrow, to begin posting the seemingly endless backlog of photo blogs I have pending… oyy…

Via Boing Boing

Song Of The Day – The Sex Pistols – Silly Thing

Yacht Rock #9

Well, we’re nearly at the end, folks.

If you’ve found this blog through a search engine query for Yacht Rock, welcome!

You’ve come to the right place…

God knows, Jules and I are beyond happy to know that there are other people on the planet who appeciate smooth cheese…

So, here we have Episode 9 of Yacht Rock – “Runnin’ With The Devil”

 

In Episode 9:

Does Drew Carey have a heart? Could Van Halen be the connection between smooth music and the future?

Who will win the battle? The Heavy Metal Devil? Or, Smooth Jesus?

Skiddly diddly bop!

 

See for yourselves:

 

Coming soon: In the next and final episode, who will win the fight to keep smooth music alive? Steely Dan, or the Eagles?

Stay tuned….

 

Yacht Rock 1 – “What A Fool Believes”
Yacht Rock 2 – “Keep The Fire”
Yacht Rock 3 – “I’m Alright”
Yacht Rock 4 – “Rosanna”
Yacht Rock 5 – “I Believe In It” & Yacht Rock 6 – “The Seed Drill”
Yacht Rock 7 – “I Keep Forgettin’”
Yacht Rock 8 – “Gino (The Manager)”

 

Yacht Rock Online

 

 

Song Of The Day – Sufjan Stevens – Chicago

 

 

I Bin Crushin’…

Modobs wants to know which celebrity I’d spend time with on a desert island.

It’s a new tag. Woohoo!

Although, there is a really big part of me that just really doesn’t want to go there.

Why, you ask?

Well, I’ve been known to have odd taste in men. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I prefer to think of myself as umm… eclectic? I really don’t have a “type”. People appeal to me for different reasons, and it’s more often than not, it’s some kind of talent or cerebral connection that makes me all hot and bothered. I also change crushes almost as often as I change my underwear – which is quite often, I’m sure you’re pleased to know.

I sometimes also fancy people that even I wouldn’t expect.

Take Criss Angel, for example.

I said I don’t have a type, but if I did, he doesn’t fit it. He’s showy, he wears tacky jewellery and his contrived “too cool for school” image would normally be enough to turn me off quite spectacularly. Not to mention that unintentionally hilarious theme song for his show. Did nobody have the guts to tell him that he can’t sing? That said, I still get it stuck in my head for days on end…

However.

The guy is fucking sexy. His show has been on repeating on late night TV for the last few weeks here and I’m hooked.

He’s like Houdini on crack.

Almost everything he does is an illusion, but dang it’s impressive. He’s a master of sleight of hand and his stunts are insane. Everything from having a Humvee drive onto his chest whilst lying on a bed of spikes, to purposely getting struck by lightning and trying to blow himself up with dynamite.

He likes to push the boundaries, and that to me, is sexy. He can conjure me up some coconuts any time.

Here is Criss being hit by a car at high speed. As you do.

… and here’s one of his many tricks he perfoms on the unsuspecting public in the street. Almonds and plums into cockroaches, yum!

Looking for photos of him tonight, I noticed that he has a really bad haircut now. I might not like him anymore.

My other crush of the moment is Verka Serduchka.

No modobs, I’m not kidding.. hah!

Verka Serduchka is a comedic character, and could best be described as Ukraine’s answer to Dame Edna Everage.

Verka came second (representing Ukraine) in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. He/she was the hot favourite to win, but was tragically pipped at the post by that mob from Serbia… [sob]

Before the Eurovision final, Jules sent me a video of Verka’s entry in the competition, Dancing Lasha Tumbai and I was transfixed. I think you either love her or hate him/her. If nothing else, you have to laugh. This song just makes me so very happy…

So, I have a crush on a drag queen (who is by all reports not gay… so that’s something in my favour), and imagine my joy when I discovered that the man under the sparkly headwear is so dashingly handsome, I want to have his babies. Immediately.

The only photo of him on the internet – and it’s not even a good one.

Watch this instead. It’s a rather clever video featuring a duet and tango between Verka and her alter ego (see above), Andrey Danilko, who is a rather talented composer apart from Verka.  He really is rather gorgeous…

So. As a result of this year’s Eurovision, I now have a rather obnoxious fetish for eastern European accents and cheesy Europop novelty songs. I think I need help. Especially since just this week I purchased 3 cd’s by Verka Serduchka on Ebay (AU$40 for the three including postage – bargain!) from someone in the Ukraine. The cd’s don’t even have english lettering on them. It’s all in that crazy Ukranian/Russian chirography.

[sigh]

I am a poor, lost soul…

So there you go modobs. Are you happy now I have revealed my ridiculous taste in men to the entire interweb? Then again, it could be worse… I could have picked Julian MacMahon… Teehee!

Ok, I think I’m supposed to tag some people: Jules – Jennifer – Stiletto – Mister Peace – Richard – Qelqoth.

Ok, happy end.

Song Of The Day – Siouxsie and the Banshees – Cities in Dust

Nostalgic Ramblings of a Temporary Insomiac

It was one of those nights where you turn off the light and lose sense of almost all cohesive thought as your subconscious tries to overtake your conscious mind in a race to see who can keep you awake the longest.

You know the thing?

This came about at around the 4am mark, when I realised that the only way to shut everyone up was to switch the light back on and attack with a paper and pencil.

This purge has nothing to do with sleep in any form.

That said, I know exactly what it’s about.

If you’re very good, I might even tell you…

Maybe.

***********************

Bright lights and saline… the line feels flat. Flat. FLAT. Whoops, up we go again! Run over and spun…Clarity, what? Stabbed once and again with no penetrating point. Curtains, tilts and comraderie. Give me my rectangle and lake; orange plastic chairs and armour. Flowers are nice. Ducks are nicer. Wanna play pool? The cue has no tip and the table slopes, but it just makes sense that way. Shake and swallow. Swallow. SWALLOW, damn you. The paint dries. The bead falls. The glue sticks. Happiness is a coin monster with a belly of glass, sugar and salt. Poke, poke, POKE. Geez. Anyone home? You, not me. You only pretend to know; it’s your job and I wish you’d shut the fuck up. You can’t do that. WATCH ME. What’s my name? Why am I here? Function how high? For fuck’s sake, don’t do it again!!! It’s only death until someone dies… Is a hamster a guinea pig? No. Just you are. Say no to electrodes; play with power tools instead. Who are all these people? Scan me, why don’t you? Give me a few pricks; I love a good prick. My ball is better than your ball. Mine is squeezable. Mine is edible. Mine is coloured. You want help? I’ll choose the channel. Slops and clatters. Whaddaya want? Stand in line. Plug in the melody of teleportation. Code blue like the telephone called. Excuse me, I would like to tell you that the people in your walkman are lying. Excuse me, why are your surprised there is breakage from five stories? Excuse me, do you really think you have buggage? You must be very angry to rip the head off your teddy bear like that. You people are strange. You people are fucking insane. I just feel sad. They took that man away; then they took that woman. Did you know her? Where did they take her? Why did they take her? I hate this place but I don’t want to leave. You win. Outside, down some tracks, the hoodoo breaks. Look through it. Look at it. Embrace it. Break it. Kill it. Give it a decent burial with flowers and ducks. It’s nothing you need and nowhere you need to be. Put it away. Not again… Maybe; not. Not. NOT. Sometimes, say never. NEVER.

*************************

 

By the way, my Tumblr rules. This guy told me so.

Probably because I like to post pictures like this:

Pic via The Bunny House

 

 

 

Song Of The Day – Iggy Pop – Sixteen

Search Me. I Dare You…

Something I have noted with keen interest, since I started this blog, is the growth in number and evolution (for want of a better word) of search engine terms people have typed, to end up on my blog.

For some time, they were fairly run of the mill. Of course, once I started bringing sex into the equation, no matter how benign the reference, things began to get interesting.

For a while I was seeing copious results for “huge tits”. There must have been a couple of hundred at least, over the space of about two months.

There was a point when I realised “huge tits” was being replaced by “sweaty breasts”. Huge tits I could understand, but sweaty breasts? No idea…

It seems that “sweaty breasts”, has now, for all intents and purposes, been replaced by “bruised tits”.

Although I know how (see comments), they got here by searching for that term , I’m somewhat disturbed by the volume of enquiries and the violent implications of such a fetish. I don’t like it. It hurts to think about it – especially at this time of the month. Anytime.

Speaking of disturbing things, the under age enquiries of a sexual nature are so far from welcome……………………..

If you’re here for anything like that and you’re still reading, piss the fuck off right now. Instant Karma’s gonna get you……

Then, there is the interesting evolvement of the bondage/fetish queries. I get a lot of those. A LOT. The thing about the bondage queries is that they started off quite innocuous, as far as bondage queries go, but there has been a recent shift.

Allow me to illustrate with a few choice examples:

brown showers – If it wasn’t for Stiletto mentioning it in my comments, I’d have no idea this was so common…

bondage shitting

bondage india

muslim bondage

british bondage – obviously we’re culturally specific with our bondage fetishes…

wedding bondage

cast bondage

fetish colonoscopy – I didn’t expect to see this one. I’ve had more colonoscopys than I care to remember, and I’ve never, ever found it a pleasurable experience…

bondage cake – please explain?

furry in bondage

hot women taking a shit – ok…..

sink plug gag bondage

apple bondage – leave the apples alone! Poor apples…

face alfoil

puke bondage – oh, now please. You might want to see someone about that.

milking machine bondage

ice bondage female

grandpa bondage – go grandpa! hunh….

mummy bondage – are we talking mummys as in egypt, or is this yet another Oedipal complex?

********************

There are variations on all of these, but it’s becoming more and more puzzling, because I’m not quite sure how most of them end up here. I really don’t talk all that much about sex. Or, do I?

Naturally, I’ve just made it 10 times worse by posting all these again. Isn’t it fun?

We shall see.

Feel free to post some of your own search oddities.

I’m curious.

What’s a blog of mine without pictorial diversion? Here’s one for the coffee lovers….

Yeah, I hate coffee…

 

 

Song Of The Day – Blondie – Pretty Baby

Yacht Rock #8

It’s been a while…

My apologies for the break, even though it’s pretty much only Jules and I who really understand the power of smooth music.

See? You didn’t get that either, did you?

Nevermind. There are others who love the taste of cheese. Extra sharp vintage cheddar. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

It is time for Yacht Rock Episode 8 – Gino (The Manager)

Flashbacks can be so gloriously telling.

It started with a vision… I will say no more…

Yacht Rock 1 – “What A Fool Believes”
Yacht Rock 2 – “Keep The Fire”
Yacht Rock 3 – “I’m Alright”
Yacht Rock 4 – “Rosanna”
Yacht Rock 5 – “I Believe In It” & Yacht Rock 6 – “The Seed Drill”
Yacht Rock 7 – “I Keep Forgettin’”

 

Yacht Rock Online

Coming in Episode Nine – Could this be the end of smooth music as we know it? I really mean it this time…

 

 

Song Of The Day – David Bowie – D.J.

Vinyl Beauties 4

Is it just me, or has it it been really quiet around here lately?

I’m half expecting to see a tumbleweed roll across my screen…

Anyway, like it or not, it’s that time again.

Time for more glorious artistic cheese in the form of Vinyl Beauties.

Vinyl Beauties 1
Vinyl Beauties 2
Vinyl Beauties 3

 

Let’s play.

 

 

I’m a little confused. She’s run out of tissues? There’s a touch of the Ponds Institute about this.

I don’t think I’ve ever come across a brand of toilet paper that I’d want to drag across my face, save for err…. running out of tissues when I have a cold. Is this a real advertisement?

(And yes, I do know who Lard is. Doesn’t change the fact this is a slightly odd album cover…)

 

It’s always nice to have a family Optometrist, don’t you think?

A hairdresser in the family is also a bonus.

I’m tuning into “Where Are They Now” from now on. If anyone can tell us what happened to these child stars, it’s Mel and Kochie.

By the way, can someone tell me what a “Hofer” is? Anyone?

 

There is a holiday for Percussion? Brilliant.

I’m always up for a day off work, count me in. I have a wicked tambourine.

I can play it, too. Topless.

 

Ooh. This one asks all the hard questions.

Does it mean that if you are a Christian, your lifeless body will end up in an ugly coffin with an excitable ruched trim? I have to say that this is not an appealing option to me. The curtains do not help.

Apparently it’s a “message”.

Is it just me, or does this read like a threat?

 

Far out! That’s where I’ve been going wrong.

You see, I like jazz. I like swing, and some big band, but most modern jazz leaves me cold. That was until I saw the range of headwear available for the “jet set” jazz listener.

The boots are pretty cool, too.

[adds Dave Pike to her download list]

 

So, that would be all for this edition of Vinyl Beauties. Please feel free to leave your own interpretations…

I love you.

 

 

Song Of The Day – Turin Brakes – The Door

I Rock and I am a Girl

So says Jennifer.

And myself, if truth be known

Here’s the proof:

 

I’m to put this on my page. I feel so special.

 

Like this chick, who people tell me so often I look like. Heh:

 

Here is where it all started.

 

Now, I am to bestow this honour on a few other Rockin’ Girl Bloggers. All up for the sisterhood. Yah.

 

A short list:

 

……why paisley????

 

Dipping Into The Blogpond

 

Nothing Ever Happens To Me

 

What’s Love Got To Do With It

 

There. That ought to start the ball rolling in fruitful directions….

********************

 

I took the Hotlanta Kink Test for the first time in a couple of years and blow me down if I didn’t get exactly the same score as I did when I took it the last time.

Rockin’ Girls take those kind of tests. Right?

 

My score:

492: You are definitely a kinky player.

 

Believe me, that is not all that bad. Kind of middling, in fact.

Take it yourself here and find out.

Oh, and for goodness’ sake, let me know your score. I am a voyeur after all.

 

Speaking of things of a kinky nature, this is a woman in a very unfortunate situation with a spring loaded gag in her mouth. She could be quite pleased about it (doubtfully), but it gives me a compulsion to call my dentist every time I look at it. Not to mention the dreams about broken teeth…

 

 

Could I possibly find a segue from a spring loaded gag to my list of recently downloaded songs? Probably, but I’m tired…

 

Squirrel Nut Zippers – Hell
Squirrel Nut Zippers – Anything But Love
The Kingston Trio – Greenback Dollar
The Kingston Trio – Scotch and Soda
The Kingston Trio – Hang Your Head Down Tom Dooley
Tex Williams – Smoke! Smoke! Smoke that Cigarette
Grinderman – No Pussy Blues
John Butler Trio – Good Excuse
Anita O’Day & Cal Tjader – It Shouldn’t Happen To A Dream
Jenny Wilson – Hey, What’s The Matter?
Jenny Wilson – Let My Shoes Lead Me Forward
Elvis Costello – Accidents Will Happen
Midlake – We Gathered In Spring
The Ink Spots – Java Jive
Sarbel – Yassou Maria
Prince – Musicology
The Andrea True Connection - More, More, More (How Do You Like It)
Karolina Goceva – Mojot Svet
Roger Cicero – So Geil Berlin
Roger Cicero – Frauen Rigieren Die Welt
Michael Franti & Spearhead – Rock The Nation
Michael Franti & Spearhead – Ganja Baby
R.L. Burnside – Let My Baby Ride
Les Fatals Picards – L’Amour A La Francais
Cream – Strange Brew
Red Hot Chilli Peppers – By The Way
The White Stripes – Icky Thump
K.C. and the Sunshine Band – Keep It Comin’ Love
Tori Amos – Silent All These Years
Tori Amos – Enjoy The Silence
Tori Amos – Winter
The Black Crowes – Remedy
Electric Six – Gay Bar
Stone Temple Pilots – Interstate Love Song
At The Drive-In – One Armed Scissor
The Strokes – You Only Live Once

4291 songs on iTunes. I need to rip more cd’s.

That is all. Carry on.

 

 

Song Of The Day – Bauhaus – Bela Lugosi’s Dead

 

 

A Vibrating Addendum

I’m feelin’ the vibes, baby.

After my last post about vibrators, you ought to see how much search engine traffic I get containing the word “vibrator” now. Second only to “huge tits”, which comes in at around 100 or so search matches and climbing rapidly. The thing is, I’m still trying to work out exactly where I used the phrase “huge tits” anywhere in my blog. I assume it has something to do with the “Max Strikes Again” post, seeing as I did make mention of my bra size in that particular posting. Actually, it’s most likely in the comment section. Just like I get a tonne of traffic looking for the Sybian since Firm so thoughtfully mentioned it in a comment a while back. Sorry to disappoint you, people! Nothing to see here…

…although I daresay I’ve probably doubled my search engine traffic just by writing that paragraph. Hah!

Oh, the other thing about the “huge tits” result, is that I did a Google search on that very term myself and I was nowhere to be seen. Well, I gave up after about page 17, but who goes back that far? Must be some other dodgy search engine…

I have a couple of little gems for you. I meant to include them in the last post, but my wee pea brain forgot.

This advertisement is a cracker.

It is heartening, don’t you think, that the Hamilton Beach Vibrator is particularly helpful for “rubbing out the throbbing pain” and bringing “a tingling, cheerful glow that invigorates and refreshes”. But quite honestly, I don’t think I’d want that contraption anywhere near my delicate body parts…

Whilst we’re on the subject of sex toys that moonlight as household appliances, I recently came across (no pun intended, get your mind out of the gutter. Geez.) this little beauty:

It’s the (Vortex Vibrations) Vacuum Cleaner Sex Toy.

The inventor was cleaning her carpets when she noticed that a piece of rubber caught in the tube was gently resonating with the air flow. Next thing you know, she had come up with a prototype to jam on the end of her vacuum cleaner, that gave her an orgasm in ten seconds.

Ten seconds without even touching skin! It just works on air flow alone.

Well, that’s all well and good, but I’d think that would rather take the fun out of it. I mean, isn’t a large part of the joy in the journey?

Oh, but it can also apparently, give multiple, back-to-back orgasms lasting up to a minute at a time…

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE NOISE??

Seriously. I can barely stand being in the same room as a vacuum cleaner even when I’m not feeling like sexy time.

I think I’ll pass.

Here’s the commercial:

Why they got a man to give it the thumbs up, I’m still not sure. . .

Ok. I had other stuff to say, but I think that’s enough for today. And probably all I have to say on the subject of vibrators for a while. Maybe.

(Psst Tommy… Your wrapping instructions didn’t work…)

Song Of The Day – Mi-Sex – Computer Games

Vinyl Beauties 3

Woohoo!

It’s the next installment of “Vinyl Beauties”.

Cheesy records make me happy. So very happy…

Vinyl Beauties 1
Vinyl Beauties 2

I have so many of these glorious album covers, I’m spoilt for choice. I also have no idea where each and every one of these was pinched from, but I figure it’s not from their original source, so it doesn’t really matter…

Let’s just get started, eh?

 

What episode of Vinyl Beauties would be complete without some gratuitous nudity? Although I have to say, that the title paired with the image does my head in a bit. I’m not sure I even want to go there…

What I do like is some of the song titles – which do make me suspect that this record was not made in all seriousness….

“Sadie’s Still Got The Rag On”, “He Forgot His Rubbers”, “Tony’s Got Hot Nuts”… and then there’s always “Things Are Soft For Grandma Since Grandpa’s Eighty-Four”

I think that young lady was a bit warm under the lights. What do you think?

Stunning.

 

Someone’s mother is handy with a crochet hook…

Strangely enough, the outfit on the guy in purple would look quite fashionable right now…. on a woman. I’m somewhat impressed with the crocheted cowboy hat, although that guy is looking like he wouldn’t be out of place on a website for foot fetishists.

Do you think they could have put the palm in a more attractive container? Or at least placed it so the ugly plastic pot wasn’t in shot. Maybe they were in a hurry because the funeral home was about to close…

 

 

Hmm. Where to start with this one? Who is Bob McFadden and who is “Dor”? Is it his sister? Are they in the photo? Who are those people?

Is their “Mummy” a fertile, petrified, musical superhero?

We can only speculate…

 

 

Heh, well I have no problem with the proclamation that Jesus is a “Soul Man”, but I reckon this lot are in need of some divine guidance to make them appear even vaguely soulful…

Note to Naomi: A-line skirts and horizontal stripes around the hip of a full figured woman are not flattering…

Are we seriously supposed to believe these men are brothers?

 

 

Looks like poor Effie is has hit the skids. Either that, or she’s/he’s impersonating me at around the 3rd bottle of champagne mark. A bottle and head in hand is never a good combination…

Hmm. Should I be worried?

So, how is it, Effie? Tell it like it is….

I’d say her feet are hurting. Check out the size of her shoes…

 

So there you have it for another edition of “Vinyl Beauties”.

 

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Feel free to throw in your own interpretations….

 

 

 

 

Song Of The Day – Turin Brakes – Slack

 

 

Yacht Rock 5 & 6 (bumper edition)

Yah, it’s been a while….

I’ve no excuse for slacking off with my postings of Yacht Rock, but I’m quite sure than no one but Jules will have noticed. Mind you, I do get a lot of search engine traffic for it, so it’s on with the show….

Let’s see. Where are we up to?

Ah, yes. Episode 5 – “I Believe In It”.

I’m quite fond of this one…

In this episode, these questions and more, may or may not be answered:

1. Who really put the smooth in Michael Jackson? It appears a spear gun plays some part…
2. How could Michael Jackson possibly be a catalyst for Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald to kiss and make up?
3. Who knew that Vincent Price had supernatural powers? And here I was, thinking he was just an actor…

Go! Go! Toto go!

Bye bye Koko! [waves]

And as a special bonus, here is Episode 6 – “The Seed Drill”.

I’m not only posting this to make up time, but also because it’s an odd episode and I’m not sure it would stand too well on its own…

It’s a history lesson with a difference.

And the lesson is Jethro Tull. The real Jethro Tull. Watch and you’ll see…

Hint: You will appreciate it a whole lot more if you’ve watched Episode One.

Is it wrong that I can name every Jethro Tull song included on the soundtrack? I feel like such a tragic…

Yacht Rock 1 – “What A Fool Believes”
Yacht Rock 2 – “Keep The Fire”
Yacht Rock 3 – “I’m Alright”
Yacht Rock 4 – “Rosanna”

Yacht Rock Online

 

Coming in Episode Seven: Dr Dre saves Michael McDonald? Can it be true? (Michael sure does need a lot of saving…)

 

Song Of The Day – Jethro Tull – Songs FromThe Wood

Vibrator = Hysterically, No Hysteria…

 

I’ve had an awful week. It did get better and yes, I am going to talk about sex toys, but first I’m going to have a little whinge. So, nerr.

It was so very awful at the beginning of the week that the pose I adopted for the whole of Monday was somewhat reminiscent of Cameron in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, after he crashes the Ferarri; lying prone on the couch under a blanket with my eyes closed.

What was wrong? Oh, nothing I’d want to bore you with. Things were either going wrong, had gone wrong or were (in my mind) about to go wrong. You know how it is.

Interpersonal strife does my head in.

I also thought my cat had cancer. On Sunday night I discovered a huge lump that appeared to be growing out of his ribcage. I was (internally) quite beside myself. I love my cat. On Monday I took him to the vet:

“Who do we have here?”

“This is Bilbo”

“Hello Bilbo. My, aren’t you a big boy? What seems to be wrong with Bilbo?”

“He has a big lump on his chest. It’s really big. It’s internal, not on his skin”

“Ok, let’s have a look, shall we? Where is it exactly?”

[points]

“Here.”

“That’s his sternum.”

“Oh.”

[barely concealed smirk from the vet type person]

“I can still take an x-ray if you like.”

“Um, no thanks. I’ll be going now…”

So, there we have the latest addition to Vanessa’s Omnibus of Embarrassing Moments. I mean, I might as well have gone to the doctor and said “I’ve got a lump growing out of my foot”, to be told, “That’s your toe.”

Well, on the bright side, my cat doesn’t have cancer. Big huggles to Firm, who has not been so fortunate this week…

Today, I feel pretty good. Everything is sorted and working well. Nobody is pissed off with anybody anymore and all is well in the world. Amazing how things can turn around.

So, as is my wont, I celebrated with a bit of retail therapy.

And what did I buy?

Vibrators.

Plural.

I thought it was time I updated my collection. One of my old favourites (a bullet for those playing at home – mine was the blue one) died recently and it was definitely time to find a replacement. I didn’t want to buy another bullet, because I had, at times, found it a little difficult to keep hold of, as many women who have owned one may understand. Something with a bit more of a handle was in order.

I usually buy such implements in person at a chain of adult stores here in the city. They are staffed by women and everytime I shop there, I end up having a blast with the girl behind the counter. Vibrators, boxes and batteries strewn everywhere, because they don’t at all mind removing items from their packaging and handing them to you for a test run. Hah! I’m not kidding, although the testing tends to be more on the fingers and tip of the nose than anywhere else. I also think it’s quite fun to observe the men skulking around the dvd section, obviously quite intimidated by two women talking quite openly about their preferences in regards to the inclusion of pearls in a vibrator, or which stimulator provides more bang for your buck…

This time, for something different, I decided to surf the range of Australian adult stores online. It took me an entire evening and I almost gave up at one point because the range was so enormous I just about ran out of steam, until I noticed at one particular site that there were…. free gifts! Woohoo! I ended up buying not one, but three vibrators… and the free gift makes four. Go me!

I guess the free gift kind of makes up for the fact that my package didn’t arrive today. Which means that I have to wait until after the weekend. Which kinda sucks because I was going to take an abstract photo of my purchases to show you. So much for Overnight Express. Oh, well. Use your imagination.

So, whilst we’re on the subject, I thought I’d give a quick dissertation on the history of the vibrator. I’m sure most of you know that they’ve been around for a very, very long time and were orignally used to treat what was known as “Hysteria” in women. That is, sexual arousal and PMS (often go hand in hand – at least they do for me).

I saw a great little Australian doco on SBS a couple of weeks ago called Turn Me On: The History Of The Vibrator. You can watch it for yourself by clicking on the link – it’s only 17 minutes long, (I’m really taken with the music they used for the soundtrack, heh), but if you can’t be bothered watching it, I’ll relay a few interesting facts I gleaned from this short, yet very informative documentary.

• The Hysterical Paroxysm – better known now as the orgasm, was the temporary cure, or preferred outcome of the disease called Hysteria, which was caused by sexual deprivation in passionate women. Nun’s seemed to suffer from it a lot… And they talk about blue balls! In 200AD, it was recommended by the ancient Greek physcian Galen that massaging the genitals be used as a treatment for Hysteria. This was a strictly medical condition.
• Doctors only, were qualified to “treat” Hysteria until the early 20th century. Women were not to treat themselves, as masturbation was considered evil. Sex was solely considered to be penile penetration of a woman, by a man.
• Vibration was considered very useful to create the “Paroxysm” by the medical profession. Before electricity, doctors used enormous steam powered vibrators, pedal driven models (terribly tiring for the poor fellow), then came the handle powered models, which looked disturbingly like a manual drill.

This is one version that is not so much like a drill…, but still what a chore!

Those poor doctors…

Here is an air compressed model from the late 19th century:

Interesting attachments, no? Already looking vaguely familiar, yet still horribly speculum-like…

• The invent of the electric vibrator was a boon for doctors. They were overjoyed. If a doctor had an electronic vibrator, they could have women in and out of the surgery within about 10 minutes, thereby quadrupling their profit margin. It was a revolving door situation with women you see, because they were never able to be cured, due to the nature of the “disease”…

Here is a 1906 version of an electric vibrator. It’s not the famous Veedee vibrator, which bore a frightening resemblance to a circular sander, but it still has that drill appeal:

A bit bloody scary looking if you ask me…. Anyone up for a good drilling? Or a Paroxysm, perhaps?

• Advertisements for all these apparatus appeared in women’s magazines all over the world. Needlework magazines, journals, you name it. Doctors were treating women for Hysteria up until the 1920’s. It wasn’t until the 1950’s that Hysteria was written out of medical journals as being an official “disease”.

Here is an early battery operated vibrator, circa 1950’s (minus the various attachments). Of course it was marketed to smooth out those pesky facial wrinkles…

• During the documentary, an interesting modern-day observation was added by a middle-aged male gynaecologist: “A woman who has never climaxed is extremely unlikely to climax with anything but a proper vibrator.” Personally, I wouldn’t know, but it seems likely in many cases. I found my way to it in my mid-teens…

Are you vibrated beyond all recognition now? I would be if I were you. If it took you .001% of the time to read it as it took me to put this together, I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to lay eyes on another vibrator….. Bloody fiddly blogs.

‘Ave a bonza weekend, my sweet things… and indulge yourself, if you will…

Thanks to Vibrator Museum for the photos…

Oh, and happy first day of winter to my fellow southern hemisphere dwellers…:)

 

Song Of The Day – Frank Zappa – Dynamo Hum

I Like Flags

Watching sport where there is more than one country involved gets me a bit excited… sometimes. Moreso when it’s something like the Olympics, or the World Cup (or Eurovison). I love watching sport. I love the excitement, the suspense, the booze and snacks…

I also love the flags.

(and the national anthems, but that’s another story)

Call me strange, but that kind of thing interests me. I like design. After watching yet another multinational tournament, I started to look up a few of the flags and found a whole new world (trying really hard not to burst into song here) of weird and wonderful flags of all nations.

I used to know all the European flags as a kid, after spending a good 6 months travelling around the continent. There isn’t much from Europe in this crop, but I did manage to come up with some of the more interesting, beautiful, ugly and slightly odd flags from around the world.

I’m possibly going to entertain nobody but myself here… but I’m kind of used to that, being an only child and all. If you want to play with me, you can come along. I don’t mind at all. I know I’m not the only geeky geek in the house…

I’ve narrowed it down to my Top 20.

It would be less, but I had enough trouble narrowing it down to this many.

So, without further ado…. and in no particular order….

BELIZE

Aaaand first off the mark we have Belize. That wreath reminds me of one of those optical illusions where if you stare at the dot in the middle the circle starts moving around. Check it out! It’s moving! Except there is no dot in the middle.
What we have here is ebony and ivory working in perfect harmony… yet a bit apart. Or are they side by side? It says something about the country. They work the land. That’s what they do. Anyone got a problem with that? I don’t think you’d wanna fight those guys.. You might end up with a shovel in the head.

This flag also looks a bit like a corporate logo for a Latin American Kibbutz (?) Huhhh.

BAHRAIN

Aww. It looks like the Burger King is having a bit of a nap. Other than that, I guess it’s quite striking, if a bit on the nautical side.

Sweet dreams, Burger King. When you wake, I’ll have a Whopper with cheese, add bacon. Thanks.

GEORGIA

I’d love to live under this flag. It brings to mind all things medieval and knights of old. How wonderful. I also think it says, “Don’t fuck with us!”…and having met a few Georgian rugby players, I wouldn’t be doing anything of the sort.

GIBRALTAR

Speaking of things medieval, come in Wizard of Id!

The King is a fink…!

How cool is that flag?

TUVALU

One of the world’s smallest independant nations. A group of nine islands, smack bang in the middle of the Pacific. About halfway between Hawaii and Australia. So, if you’re ever trying to swim across, remember you have a rest stop. Isn’t that nice to know? I’m sure they have coconuts.

This flag makes me giggle every time I look at it because it looks like a drunk Aussie has tried to draw the Australian flag. Either that, or it’s the end result of a game of ‘Pin The Stars On The Southern Cross’…

ANTARCTICA

Who knew that Antarctica has its own flag?

Part Rorsarch Ink Blot Test, part rhinoceros head…. you figure it out. The penguins must be pleased.

ANDORRA

I like this one because it has moo cows on it. Any flag with moo cows on it is alright with me.

“Hello, we are from Andorra and we have cows”. Fantastic.

SWAZILAND

Ah.. here we have Africa tapping into their rich visual heritage. It makes a strong statement about the country it’s representing. It’s a fine flag all ’round, but really I just like saying SWAZILAND.

Oh, and Richard E. Grant comes from Swaziland and Richard E. Grant rules. The end.

HONG KONG

This flag must always be flown in conjunction with the Chinese flag and it’s not a Hibiscus flower, it’s a Bauhinia Blakensis. Okay? Good. I’m glad we’ve got that sorted. It is rather pretty though, don’t you think?

Can someone email this to Waldeck’s Garden Centre? I think they need a new logo.

LEBANON

Ah, yes. I always think of lush, green trees when I think of Lebanon. Doesn’t everyone? An interesting, paradoxically peaceful symbol in a country that is effectively a bloody mess. I went there as a child and I don’t remember much except a lot of concrete and men with big guns.

I mean, I know the Cedar is native to Lebanon, but who are they trying to fool, exactly? Wishful thinking, perhaps…

GREENLAND

I think this flag is hot. I dig it for it’s retro 60’s/70’s interior design sensibilities. It would make some fabulous wallpaper, no?

NEPAL

Trust Nepal to think outside the square. The only national flag on the planet that isn’t a horizontal rectangle. They’re dancing to their own tune and it shows. Good on ya Nepal!

ISLE OF MAN

Freaky freak show!! Haha! I LOVE this flag. This is my favourite. It has a sense of humour. How good is that? I also love that it’s rich in Anglo/Celtic mythology. Rock on.

TURKMENISTAN

Just like the old Silk Road from Europe to Asia… or possibly a Persian carpet runner I once owned….

MYANMAR

The country formerly known as Burma. They have corn! Is it corn? Does Burma grow a lot of corn? If they don’t grow a lot of corn, you’d have to wonder why the hell they have a head of corn on their flag … What’s all that about?

LESOTHO

Hehe… The national emblem of Lesotho is a finger puppet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I like finger puppets. Finger puppets are fun.

Either that, or the ol’ Rorsach Ink Blot Test is back…

KIRIBATI

What’s this? Kiribati sinking beneath the waves of the Pacific due to the effects of Global Warming?

Oh, well. At least the bird looks like he’s having fun….

SAUDI ARABIA

Does anyone here speak Arabic? So accessible, as you would kind of expect, really.

Oh, oh… I just took a crash course in Arabic. It is apparently the Muslim creed, “There is no god but God; Muhammed is the Messenger of God”. Consider yourself told.

TIBET

I like this one. A little psychedelic, complete with oddly coloured sunbeams, swirls and spooky green monsters… and strangely asymmetrical with the unfinished yellow border…

Tibet’s flag is of course, due to its national state of limbo, unrecognised. I dunno, it looks pretty recognisable to me…

UGANDA

A German (?) cock in Africa, from the country that gave us Idi Amin. There has to be some connection there. 500,000 dead Ugandan’s can’t be wrong…

Interesting that the recent film didn’t depict him feeding homosexual’s their own penises…. Or that he was stark raving bonkers due to a nasty case of Syphillis? Or did it? I didn’t see it..

So, there you have it.

So, go on…. tell me your favourite.

Or… have I just completely out-geeked myself? Hah!

Vinyl Beauties 2

I love vinyl.

I have loads of it. So much that it’s becoming a bit of a problem, because I move house so often… but I can’t seem to part with any of my records.

More about that here:

Vinyl Beauties – Part 1

And here is Part Deux. Not before time, I know. I’ve gathered such a huge collection of dodgy album covers online, that it may take me a year to post them all….

Yay!

I chose these ones at random.  I closed my eyes and clicked.

First off the block we have:

Is her neck broken? Or perhaps her back?

I’ve been doing aerobics on and off for 20 years and I can quite safely say that this particular move has never been part of any routine I’ve followed. In fact, I used to throw my head around like that when I was dancing in my misspent youth, and all the favours it did me, was ongoing neck and back problems. I wonder how she’s doing these days..?

Is my interpretation of digital timing wrong, or is that a 20 second workout? Ah, 20 minutes. Oh, well… if I’d end up with a body like hers, I might just try it…

It was seen on TV, after all…

Astronauts in gaily coloured suits and multicoloured women from outer space (those curly antennae never work well, in my experence). Apparently they’re thrilling the ladies with gifts. What those gifts are, are anyone’s guess. I think they’re cocktails…? In brandy balloons. Hey, brandy is brown, man! I hate being misrepresented, don’t you?

I’m always up for an escapade, though. Especially in space.

I bags being the pink lady…

Nice to be with you too, Jim. Didn’t your mother ever tell you it was rude to point?

Smug bastard.

Their name is Omega, in case you didn’t get it from the prominently placed symbol. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, because it wasn’t the first thing I noticed…

I think they guy with the blond frizz and I have the same hairdresser….

Is the guy on the right wearing a frock? It’s all very odd. They must be Scandinavian.

Just because I’ve been so active in my garden this week, I had to choose this one (the only one I actually chose). I always play music whist I’m pottering amongst the living things, but I hadn’t considered playing them Dr George’s music when I’m not around. Maybe that’s why my snow peas died overnight?

Does the fact he is a doctor, have any bearing on his horticultural skills? Maybe he’s a Doctor of Wilting Indoor Plants…

Arright. That’s it for another episode, my lovelies.

Feel free to make your own interpretations…

Song Of The Day – Scott Matthews – Elusive